Jokes, Jokes, and More Jokes

 

Making New Friends

A young woman in a really skimpy skirt is at the bus stop. When the bus arrives and the doors open she tries to climb the steps. However, her skirt is too tight and her legs can't move. So she reaches behind her and undoes her zipper.

She tries to step up again, and still can't, so she reaches behind and again plays with the zipper. She tries to climb the steps again...still no luck.

So as she's reaching behind again, a pair of strong hands pick her up and place her on the top step.

"What do you think you're doing?", she asks the guy behind her.

"Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!"

Monday's Winner

A Boston millionaire goes into a bank and asks to borrow $5,000 for two weeks because he is going away on a business trip. As collateral, he hands them the keys to his Rolls Royce and says they can keep it for the two weeks he is gone and when he returns he will give them back the $5,000 plus interest.

The Bank says yes and locks the car in the bank's garage.

After two weeks he returns and hands them the $5000 plus the $15 dollars in interest. The Director of the Bank tells the man that while he was gone, he checked him out and found out he was a multi-millionaire with no financial problems.....and asks why he needed to borrow $5000 from them?

He says,"Where else in Boston can you park your car for two weeks and only pay $15."

 

Hotel From Hell

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!


Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman


Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid


Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty


Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper


Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On the shelf under medicine cabinet: 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. * In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.* On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

 


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
5/28/98

Comments

as two men were in a penthouse bar at the top of a ten story building, one man turns to the other and says "i bet you three hundred dollors that i can jump out that window, land on the sidewalk, and run back up here to pick up the money." well the other man couldn't refuse this strange bet, so he laid three hunded dollors on the bar. the first man did as he said, jumped out the window, land on the sidewalk, and ran back up to pick up his reward. the second man was dumfounded, he asked the first "how in sam brown did you do that?" the firt replied "it's the heavy alcohol i've been drinking, it just pops you right off the pavement. so the second man took a shot of vodka, ran out the window fell to the pavement, and SPLAT!. his body was just crushed on the cement sidewalk. as the first man continued his drinking, the bartender turned to him and said "superman, you are a mean drunk, did you know that!"


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
6/3/98

Comments

Question : Why are men so smart when they are having sex? Answer: Because they're plugged into a women.


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
7/4/98
Remote Name:
152.163.213.196

Comments

There is this guy who doesn't like black people. So one day he is driving in his car and sees a black person and decides to run him over. THhis person is now dead! The next day he does the same thing. This person is also now dead! So on the third day he sees his priest walking down the road and says to himself, "Maybe if I give him a ride I can redeem myself!" So he picks up the priest and he sees a black person on the side of the road and thinks to himself "I can't pick off this guy with the priest here" so he decides "Maybe if I fake a heart attack I can get away with killing him" so he fakes the heart attack and says to the priest "Did I hit that nice man?" and the priest says "Don't worry I hit him with the door!"


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
7/4/98
Remote Name:
152.163.213.196

Comments

Okay, so there was this really large man, and one day he decided that he wanted to lose some weight, so one day he was mosyen along and he found this man on the street, the man stoppped him and asked "Are you trying to lose weight?" and the man says "yes can you help me?" The man says "Yes come with me." So the man goes with him and he pays the man on the street a great amount of money, the man puts him in a room, as he opens the door he finds a woman in there, she says "If you catch me, you can do whatever you want to me." So the man runs around the entire room several times, unfortunately for him he couldn't catch her, so he goes to the man and says I couldn't catch her, so the man pays the guy on the street an even greater amount, and he goes into a second room, only to find two women in the room this time, they said "If you catch us, you can whatever you want to us." So he chases them around and he couldn't catch either one of them, so he goes to the man from the street and says "I couldn't catch either one of them." So he pays an even greater amount of money and goes into a third room. This time there is a large black man named Bubba in there waiting, and he says, "If I catch you, I can do whatever I want with you."


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
8/4/98
Remote Name:
206.141.213.82

Comments

Q:IS YOU REFRIGERATOR RUNNING?

A:YES

WELL YOU BETTER CATCH IT


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
8/4/98
Remote Name:
206.141.213.82

Comments

Q:IS YOU REFRIGERATOR RUNNING?

A:YES

WELL YOU BETTER CATCH IT


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
10/14/98
Remote Name:
208.157.127.50

Comments

THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY PRISON IS BETTER THAN COLLEGE 10.There are no tests, papers, or homework in prison. 9.There are no grades in prison. 8.You don't need financial aid in prison. 7.In prison, you get to see your family more often. 6.You get more sleep in prison. 5.Laundry is free in prison. 4.You don't have to worry about job placement in prison. 3.The food is better in prison. 2.You don't have to apply to prison, just get convicted. 1.In prison, you can get out early for good behavior.


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
10/14/98
Remote Name:
208.157.127.50

Comments

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

He's decomposing.


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
10/14/98
Remote Name:
208.157.127.50

Comments

PRISON vs. WORK IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
11/8/98
Remote Name:
208.157.127.56

Comments

What goes up and doesn't come down? I don't know you tell me


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
11/8/98
Remote Name:
208.157.127.32

Comments

TOP 11 SIGNS YOUR COMPUTER IS POSSESSED:

11. Instead of flying appliances, your screen saver shows horned demons torturing your immediate family.

10. The monitor spins and spews pea soup when you access the Vatican website.

9. Bill Gates Screen Saver eyes follow your every move.

8. Keeps throwing priests out of Windows.

7. Hard disk crashes every time Pat Robertson e-mails you.

6. Green slime oozing out of keyboard again and your kid hasn't used it in weeks.

5. Tech support crew brings Norton Utilities and a crucifix.

4. The little logo on it says: "Satan Inside."

3. No matter what URL you type in, your browser opens up the www.hell.com web site.

2. Dr. Watson replaced by Dr. Kervorkian.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Computer is Possessed...

1. Contrary to the startup screen, you're fairly certain Microsoft hasn't released Windows666 yet.


Go:
Do it!!!
Date:
5/20/99
Remote Name:
24.2.207.56

Comments

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"


Date:
5/20/99
Remote Name:
24.2.207.56

Comments

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"


From my ICQ Buddy....